Celebrity Boxing at City Commission Meeting RAT PACK VS CALHOUN/BROOK

City commissioners Box over Health Care Issue

by Howard Melamed.

Of course Tuesday night  you  tuned your television set to the Coral Springs TV Production channel to watch the hilarious production of Celebrity Boxing. That night, the program featured the Rat Pack, Commissioners Sommerer, Polin, and Berk  who  took on the tag team made up of Commissioners Calhoun and Brook. The challenge: Health Care for Retiring City Commissioners.

What happened to the love fest that every city commission meeting was about ever since the Rat Pack was in full control of every commissioner seat?  In the old days, (last year) Commissioner Calhoun was part of the rats. She constantly attended Rat Pack functions like ‘ Cut the Cheese’ or Bobbing for Donations as elections came around. In those days Commissioner Stradling was part of the pack as he agreed with every issue brought before the commission. 5-0 5-0 5-0 was the count all the time. There were no fights. There was no excitement. It was boring. Yawn. Then.. Then came city elections in March of this year. Brook defeated Stradling, and Calhoun became a politician with real aspirations, like running for President of the WWF. We saw some evidence during the first few meetings after the elections that there might be some spark, some light in the darkness of despair for those that were looking for  hope that the City Commissioner meetings wouldn’t be so boring. Then …Fight Night in Coral Springs!!. Rat Pack VS Calhoun/Brook.

Everyone’s money was on the Rat Pack.  Of course they would vote themselves millions of dollars in Health Care. But, how would the tag team of Calhoun and Brook stand up? That was the question on everyone’s mind. Here’s how the fight went:

Round One. Polin gets the nod. He is in the rink.  First Polin sends off his traditional Moose Mating call (achieved by clearing his throat.)  He sends a volley of punches at Brook. ” I’m ticked off. I haven’t heard anybody complaining about me raiding the community chest. I challenge anyone to say that I am inaccessible (your inaccessible), that I am Aloof (you are aloof), and that I don’t have my ear to the ground” (editors note: There is an old Coral Springs saying that when your ear is to the ground, your ass is up in the air. ). Ding. Round ended.

Round 2 Polin in the rink again. Calhoun gets the tag. Polin: ” Hay Calhoun…Duck! I am throwing the ol’ I got the goods on you ‘ punch. See if you can take it. First Word: Travel. Second Word: Expenses. Third Word : Expenses and you spent more than any of us.. so there! ” Calhoun ducks down low and then comes out swinging. She adds” Look who’s not going to be invited to my mountain retreat in Colorado  anymore! “. Ooooo. That hurt. Polin goes down for a count of 3. Calhoun adds: “And I don’t appreciate your slimy remarks you scum bag.” Ding! Round is over.

The Rat Pack


mayor john sommerer


Maureen berk


alan polin

Round 3 Polin tags with Berk:    Calhoun still in the rink. “DING”. Berk looks up thinking the Ding was a Dong. She thinks to herself. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Reminds her of Christmas. Yea. Christmas Presents. But Ding  Dongs are not allowed in the City of Coral Springs? She looks perplexed because she is sure she voted on that one also. She quickly recovers. Calhoun and Berk square off like two cats in a cat fight. Berk jabs with her claw ” Travel Expenses. Look who’s calling the sky green (Editor’s note: I’m color blind. ) . You spend money on unnecessary travel and we let you get away with it..Oops! I opened up my mouth by mistake. I let you spend the money. As a matter of fact, I shared a room or two with you at the mountain retreat!  Ooops. There I go again. As a  matter of fact, I wish I could travel like you but instead I am stuck in this stinking city because I spend too much  of my full time as a part time city commissioner! Boy ol boy!” (Editor’s note: Sorry. Girl oh Girl). Just then in a surprise move, Berk punches herself in the head. “No fair” she adds, dazed from the impact of the pathetic blow. “Two against one! ” Round 3 ends.

Round 4: Brook in the rink after a tag. Polin in the rink by default. Brook quickly maneuvers himself for a full nelson.  He slowly talks into Polin’s ear and says “At least I look at you when I am scumming you out”. Polin blinks tiredly as the sleeper hold is now being applied. Brook continues ” At least I won’t stoop as low as you when it comes to calling you names. At least I will remain a city commissioner in 1 in and half years when you go out to pasture and by the way…Try to collecting on that Retirement Health Care plan….Cause the minute you leave we are all going to vote it away.!!” Polin hits the canvas. He is out like a light. His ear is to the ground. You know what happens when his ear is to the ground (see above). Brook begins to wind up in his classical World Soccer Championship kick and……(Editor’s note: Listen. The Rat Pack didn’t pass an ordinance censoring me from telling it like it is….Yet )

Round 5: Sommerer. Polin and Berk hop into the rink. All hell breaks loose. Brook and Calhoun jump on Berk, Polin in a daze, the Mayor screaming at the top of his lungs…Can’t we all be friends? Hay…No Biting! Just at that moment…Referee and City Manager Mike Levenson hops into the rink. ” Now stop this fighting…Pointing at the Rat Pack he says: ” If you continue to act like children, nothing in this city will get done. We won’t pass any of those great spending plans I have for you.  I won’t get another 300% increase in my salary.  We won’t be able to vote on the health care package. We won’t able to vote on buying Coralsprings.com for $1 million dollars (Editor’s note: I need health care too you know!) !!!”. No one listened to him. Instead, they continued fighting into the weeeeee  hours of the night until they were all tired.

The Rat Pack, Brook and Calhoun finally called it a draw. You see….There is a another match coming up at the next commission meeting. They need to gather their strength so that they can come back and fight once more. Look what you missed. Next time, tune in to the City Commissioner meeting or better yet. Come down to the City Hall. Still good seats available. Plenty of Parking. Free coffee and Danish.


Author: HelpMeHoward