Campaign Not to Elect Howard Melamed Officially Started

December 6 2002 First Draft

Howard Melamed, the publisher of and an average citizen with absolutely no political experience has decided to not campaign for city commissioner. This was announced by him in this article as a result of absolutely no pressure exerted by any of the citizens in Coral Springs for him not to run. Asked why isn’t he running he has said ” It is because I am fed up with the political bullshit within the city. As a matter of fact I hope no one votes for me”.

If  someone decides to put my name on the ballot, there are many reasons why you don’t want me as a city commissioner

Commissioner Meetings

You do not want to vote for Howard Melamed since I really dislike the city commission meeting setup anyways. Because if you do I will have to sit as a commissioner and I can’t do that. I do not like sitting in a horse shoe setting. I don’t work well with that kind of layout. As a matter of fact, I would probably sit with the press people, or even with the Matt Hoffman who controls the video booth behind the 2 way mirror in the back. In fact, I would want to sit with Chief Arigo, or Chief Haupt. That way I can ask them how things are going and find out their opinion when one of the other commissioners decide to second guess them .  I might even want to walk around the room. That way I can get some exercise.  No one shows up anymore to the meetings anyways. Most of the citizens prefer to sit at home and watch the whole charade in the comfort of their homes. Since it is all about production, and  I would want to get everyone involved in the decision process, I would instead push for having a televised meeting with call in lines. This way every citizen can speak to us on an issue. I would even want everyone to vote on every issue. They can do it by using their internet connection from home. We can set them up with a small secure program that allows them to sit back and press the buttons while we all do their bidding! Instant public access! that’s why you don’t want to vote for me.  Voting for Howard Melamed would only force you to miss a show on another channel.

Essential City Services

No one wants to vote for a guy that believes in the fewest amount of government services so that we can lower our taxes . You see, I believe that the city should be providing a basic service to the citizens and get the hell out of the rest of it. There is no reason for us to be in show business or in the ‘Arts’. You want a show…you go make it. OR, buy a ticket at the Borward Center for performing arts. Why should we burden ourselves to the tune of over a million dollars so that a few people can watch a few amount of shows anyways?

You want  to look at a picture, go to one of the other Art Museums that are funded by the Big City people for Ft. Lauderdale  or Miami. What’s wrong with their paintings anyways.


I thought Parks were for people to go and play. Anyone. Now, you need a permit to go and play in the park. You get a ticket if you smoke in the park. It’s ok to run the engine of your car all day long in a park though. I think everyone should be allowed to use the park went they want. What about those baseball or soccer games? No problem. As long as you have a portion of the park open for anyone that wants to play.

Government awards and Proclamations

You don’t want to vote for Howard Melamed since I would ask that we give out no awards or proclamations. Hay, you want a medal, join the army. You want to be recognized? Ok. Let’s make a yearly awards banquet, where we get the major corps in our city to come up with some tax free non profit deductible big bucks. Give out the awards, pat some people on the back…even a medal and that’s it. awards slow down the commission meetings, and I don’t like to sit at them too long anyways.

Proclamations: Who is the mayor anyway, King George the 29th? Why do we have to have a proclamation decreeing a special week or a special event…Just say it. Why not just say, Hay everyone….Let’s make next week a week to remember that you shouldn’t shoot a gun at your neighbor. Or be kind to your pet turtle week. Enough with the proclamations. That’s why you shouldn’t vote for me…I am not very good at being part of the royal family.

Police and Fire Departments

Listen. If you vote for Howard Melamed you won’t be very happy. I would push for maximum possible police protection and maximum amount of fire fighters. These guys you can’t have too many of. What’s a city for anyways if it isn’t to supply police protection and fire protection? If you ask Howard Melamed (and most people don’t want to) We should focus our money on hiring enough patrol officers and detectives to make this like Beverly Hills. Of course you saw the movie with that funny guy that says ‘Who put a banana in my muffler’ Eddy Murray. I liked that police force. They looked like they had lots of staff. I want as many detectives, and patrol officers as it would take to make sure they would have found out that Mohammed Atta was living  6blocks from the police station.

As far as fire fighters go, you wouldn’t want to vote for Howard Melamed either. Here is my predicament. I would want as many firefighters as it would take to get to my house within 4 minutes. I’ll tell you what. Your house too. No not 4 minute and 1 second…4 minutes! As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t close any stations I would instead open up a few new ones. Anywhere the chief feels that we should have one. And I would force him to staff it too. Not with part timers or volunteers,. I want as many people as it would take to make this place the safest place money could buy! ore firefighters. More Stations! More Patrol Officers! More! More ! More! I want it so safe that when I light a match an alarm goes off. I want cameras around the city at all the intersections so that if a crime is going to happen, someone is seeing it happen! Look, all this costs money, but if you close the city center, get rid of the museum, present a referendum to the people to deny any health care or pension funds to retiring commissioners retroactive to 1997, and stop spending money on bullshit, the same tax money can be spent to make this the safest place to live in. That’s why you shouldn’t vote for me. I want to spend your money on my safety. Your safety is not my concern, but it will result anyway once I make myself as safe as possible.

Beans etc….

You know, the only commissioner worth his weight in beans is Scott Brook. Of course I wouldn’t be this type of commissioner. He actually keeps hours at the mall so that you can go and speak to him. Hay, with him doing that, you certainly don’t need Howard Melamed there. Talk to him. Let him know what you think and I am sure he’ll tell me at the meeting. However, I have no hours. You send me an email, and I respond to it. As a matter of fact, by not voting for Howard Melamed allows me to not answer your emails. I kind of like that. Sort of what Alan Polin and Maureen Bark do. They don’t answer your emails as well since they do not know how to . Don’t believe me? Send them one. They don’t answer. The  computer department at the city just purges them at the end of the month. As a matter of fact by them not answering their emails, the city has to have more storage space on hand. Ok. You convinced me. I’ll answer your stupid emails if you vote for me. That’s why you don’t want to do that. Since you probably don’t want to hear what I have to say anyways.

Not voting for Howard Melamed gets me more time on my hands and allows me to shirk my civic responsibility. It makes sure that most of my time can be spent writing these crummy articles with no one listening.  It allows me to gripe about the fact that I do not feel safe in this city with no more than 8 patrol officers on the beat at night. I like to complain about the lack of firefighters and equipment. I enjoy taunting the city commissioners.

As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t vote for Howard Melamed since if you do I would have to write articles criticizing myself. That would be a terrible thing. I vote on something and then I write an article lambasting my decision. Can you imagine?

So Please! PLEASE! Don’t vote for me. I got better things to do with my time…….


Author: HelpMeHoward