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Some Coral Springs Citizens Suffer From SPS

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Stupid People Syndrome affects  15% 24.3% of the population. Airborne Virus Carried by Television Programming and the National Hurricane Center

by  Maxwell Smart 

Coral Springs FL, August 28, 2006: Stupid people Syndrome is rampant in the city.  The National Hurricane center distributes this virus to the television stations who inject it into everyone’s brain.  Then the mayor of Broward County, what’s his name, tells you that everything has been done to prepare for the hurricane, but forgets about the fact they told us that last year, and then forgot to get generators for gas stations so we can fill up after the storm. Oh oh. They forgot that this year too.

Then you have the beautiful blue tarped houses who are owned by people waiting for roofing tiles. You may have hired a roofing contactor several months ago, who are still waiting for roof tiles that the roofing manufacturers decided would look better sending them to China rather then here.  I understand. No roofing is being applied anywhere in the United States, whilst we wait for roofing tile. To make matter worse, you probably could have had ‘grey tile’  but that color was not on the approved list from the city of Coral Springs.  Chartreuse tile is available. So is hot pink. So is natural grey.  But, the color you want, is needed for some little house being built in China for some high profile communist that doesn’t allow us to sell US made cars there.  SPS has a definite affect on your mind.   

Then we have Governor Bush, who is leaving office this year, declaring a State of Emergency for a tropical storm that is breaking up over Cuba.  oops. He is also suffering from Stupid People Syndrome, but its not his fault….it runs in the family.

Then you have the gas station owners, who upon learning that there may be a hurricane coming here, started to raise their prices by 10 to 15 cents a gallon knowing that they can get away with it. With the current price of gas, 10 cents only represents 5% increase which they claim and our government agrees is not gouging. This is happening even though the news says that the cost of gasoline has gone down 15 cents this week.  Not in South Florida.  It’s not your fault. You have SPS.

Then we have FPL telling us not to worry, since they have everything under control. They claim they are in better shape this year than last even though they haven’t upgraded their grid or  changed the way they string up the poles.  Several of the poles on Coral Springs Drive are still leaning over. However,  they are in better shape, since they were given millions of dollars from FEMA who never asked how the money is being spent.  These are the same people that told us not to expect the power to be turned on last year, any time soon.  Again, it’s not your fault since you suffer from SPS and you feel better knowing that they are in better shape to tell us the same thing as last year.

Then you have Home Depot and Loews that stocked up last week on plywood, and batteries and generators…..How did they know that a hurricane was coming? They are in cahoots with the National Hurricane Center. It is well know that Max Mayfield is retiring and being hired immediately by Home Depot weather forecasting department. 

Then you have the National Hurricane Center. I love these guys.  They are equivalent to Monty Python.   Oh where oh where is the hurricane going?  First it’s heading to the Gulf. Watch out TEXAS! Then they changed their mind. It’s heading to Louisiana they say! Watch out! Those levy’s won’t hold.! No money there. They changed their mind.  It’s going to hit the west coast of Florida…..No the East….No it’s not a Hurricane…Yes it . No it isn’t .  Yes it is… No its a tropical storm. BUT BE ADVISED IT MAY BE A HURRICANE! It got better now. It will hit at 5 am, not 3 pm, no it.. Oh, what the hell. We really don’t know what we are talking about and we cannot predict where a hurricane can go, but if we don’t give you an answer, then we might lose the millions of dollars you give us through your taxes! They change their forecast more times than the score at Dolphins vs. Jets game. Worse, after any hurricane, they congratulate each other on what a great job they did in predicting the path of the hurricane at least 1 hour into the future…..Now who really is suffering from SPS? 

The Coral Springs Society for those that are severely suffering  from Stupid People Syndrome has announced a test that you can take to see if you may have this incredible and quite deadly illness.  We offer the following for your edification. 

You know you suffer from a severe case of Stupid People Syndrome when:

1. When you actually believe that the National Hurricane Center knows where a hurricane is going. That is because you believe that the millions of dollars we give to a Professor at the University of Colorado ( Dr. Gray) that tells you how many storms we are going to have, is actually money well spent. You also think that there must be a professor at the University of Miami that is predicting next years snow fall at your favorite ski resort in Colorado. 

2. You listen to Channel 7 news and your heart beat starts to increase. Then you turn on O’Reilly and your heart returns to normal.

3. You believe that the cute chick with the tight sweater on Channel 4  telling you about the forecast path of a hurricane actually knows something about weather.  Oh ya. She really has a Masters in Climatology.  So does the cute chick with the tighter sweater on Channel 6 and even the one with the see-thru on channel 10 and…come to think of it,  you think that only cute chicks with tight sweaters get masters degrees. 

4. You didn’t expect a hurricane to hit South Florida.  You also didn’t expect that you can die when you run a gas generator, a kerosene lamp, and a propane stove  in the middle of the house, while you keep your car running in the garage. 

5. You line up in at Home Depot to buy plywood to board up you house, even though you did the same thing last year.  Either you think that plywood has a shelf life and spoils during the year, or you decided to go into the furniture business and used the first batch up.  You also make sure to buy only the 1/4″ plywood so that it is light enough to install. You are then perplexed when, as your roof is flying off, you start running for your life down the street to your neighbor’s hurricane shuttered house and  the same pieces of plywood that you were so able to put on your windows with four finishing nails fly over your head as you hopefully duck!

6. You line up to top off your gas tank, even though you know you have no where to go if a hurricane hits. It is quite obvious that you are not working for the police department, the fire department, public works, or you are not a brain surgeon.  While lining up for gas , which extends around the block, you either keep turning your engine on and off,  or you leave your car running, with the windows closed and the air-condition on full, which eats up the amount of gas you are expecting to put in,

7. You lower the level of water in your swimming pool because you actually think that the pool is going to overflow and fill up your house.

8. You buy water even though the water out of your tap has never gone bad in the history of Coral Springs. 

9. You take your patio furniture and you toss it into the pool.  You do the same thing with the dog.

10.  Even though you had experienced a hurricane last year, you didn’t prepare this year for a hurricane despite everyone in the world telling you that there is a good chance that hurricanes will hit South Florida.  You didn’t get hurricane shutters, or change your windows to impact resistant glass. Instead, you decided to buy Masking tape which you stick on the inside of your windows in a “X” pattern.  You actually think that the thin sticky paper tape will stop a tree from going through the window.  However, it does make a good target and definitely comes in handy when the police department looks for you through your rubble. X marks the spot.

If you feel that you are suffering from SPS, please do not send me an email.  The virus might be catchy. Oh No! , I think I got it.  Now I am channel surfing for the cute weather chick that I saw on Channel 7 during the day.  Amazing….Masters Degree in Climatology….Hmmmm.

About the author / 

Howard Melamed

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