by Howard Melamed
December 23th 2005 ( first appeared 2002) For Recent Comments to this article Click Here
Without being overly critical about our Canadian friends to the north of us, it is time that Americans come to grips with reality. The average Canadian does not like us very much. It has become appropriate for Canadians to commonly bash Americans. No better example is shown by Paul Martin their current Prime Minister who is running for re-election in January. PM Martin’s excuse to sell out his neighbor is that the United States is charging a tariff on the heavily Canadian government subsidized softwood lumber industry. Our ambassador to Canada recently told the Canadian government not to let the issue of Softwood lumber become an excuse for bashing Americans. No sooner than the ambassador said it, PM Martin came out with the statement that America is trying to influence the election. Heaven forbid. As a matter of fact, most Americans have no idea that there is even an election campaign going on in Canada, let alone anything to do with the softwood lumber industry. However, we must all raise an eyebrow or 2 when a country that depends so much on us is not giving us the respect we deserve. The last time I looked, Canada sells more goods to us then we sell to them. If every American would decide not to buy Canadian products, as with France, the Canadian economy would be devastated. But the good news is that for about 100,000 US dollars per Canadian citizen, we probably can buy the whole country, lock, stock and barrel !
Only the arrogance of a Canadian can explain why our friends to the north are overly critical about the way we do things here in America. With so many Canadians making their way south for the winter and so many of them end up staying either as illegal immigrants or as legal cross over citizens, it is no wonder why Canadians hate us so much. It is quite obvious that not only is our weather warmer and our economy stronger, our way of life is so much better than the Canadians have up north. They are envious enough of us while consuming everything American, to push in our faces the fact that their is a ‘Canadian Identity’. This Canadian attitude enforces their false sense of superiority to us while at the same time relying so much on us. They in fact forget their place in North America and forget the fact that if it were not for their so called inferior cousin to the south, they would all be speaking Russian. So much are they dependant on us, that they have allowed their armed forces to dwindle, their coast guard to be non-existent, and their air force to be a joke. They in fact rely on the United States to defend their borders, build up their economy and and exchange their dollar at a rate of .80, while paying us nothing. This, my fellow Americans, has got to stop. I say they need to pay their fare share. I say let’s buy the entire country and make them all Americans so they can pay their fair share of taxes.
So here is our firm and final offer: The United States of America hereby offers every Canadian Citizen ( only living ones, not like the 10% dead ones that voted in their last election) One Hundred Thousand American Dollars ( $100,000) , in return for their country and the esteemed and honorable right to become Citizens of the United States of America. This offer is good until we say it ain’t. Ay?
Why Canada is Worth Buying
Canada has a lot to offer us (or U.S.). First, it is the other ‘White Meat”. Canada is the 2nd largest country in the world. It has a lot of snow and lots of water. Fishing is also pretty good up in Canada. We get nova from Nova Scotia. We get salmon from the Frazer River. We get Kraft cheese.
Canada is the #1 producer of Uranium in the world. This non-nuclear country supplies the U.S. and the rest of the world with most of the uranium and at the same time stands firm on telling everyone not to blow themselves up with it. That’s what I call a good sense of values It is the largest producer of aluminum. It has iron ore, gold, tin, silver, platinum, and maple syrup. We use this stuff all of the time down here in the USA.
Canada has a lot of oil. Alberta is loaded with it. We can eliminate the need to buy oil from those bloodsucking middle east terrorists. Alberta has something called Tar Sands. We can use the tar to make oil and the sand to fill our beaches. Simply put we separate the tar from the sand! There is a lot of natural gas up in Alberta as well. Alberta is the Texas of Canada. Up in Alberta they even look like Texans, with cowboy hats, rodeos, and country Music. Ann Murray is from Alberta, I think. We definably need another Texas. I like Ann Murray.
Most of our lumber comes from Canada. They have a lot of trees since they have very few people. If we were to cut down more trees, we can move more people to Canada. We can use their lumber. We can use their lumberjacks. We need a lot of red paper. especially in Washington.
Canada is only 30,000,000 people. It is a little larger in population than the state of California. Come to think of it, remove all of the Canadians in show business from California, and it would balance out to be the same size. ( No offence to Dan Ackoryd wherever you are).
90% of the people in Canada live near the U.S. border anyway and they steal our airwaves without paying for them. NBC, CBS, ABC, are all there free of charge. They steal our HBO with their satellite dishes and programmed cards. Not nice! They have television stations of their own and their own pay per view stations. But they show only films with mostly Canadian actors. That’s why no one over here wants to steal Canadian satellite programming.
The best Canadian actors live in Hollywood California like William Shatner. He liked being a Canadian so much that he became American. Now they can’t show Star Trek movies. Once we buy Canada, they can once again see Star Trek legally.
Most of the Canadians live in a city called Toronto. If you visit Toronto you would think that you are in Chicago, except the place is cleaner and the people talk funny (Eh?). Torontototonians would have an easy time adjusting to becoming American. They would only have to loose the accent, and stop saying ” I’m Sorry” all the time when they bump into you.
Canada can keep Quebec. A few hundred years ago the British won it from the France in a famous battle no one remembers and gave it back the next day. They didn’t want it either. No one wants another Puerto Rico. Perhaps we can divert the Navy from bombing the Puerto Rican island of Vieques and have them bomb Prince Edward Island instead. PEI as most Canadians call it (they can’t even spell PIE right) is a province in Canada with less than 50,000 people. They have a lot of potatoes there. We don’t need potatoes. We buy Idaho potatoes. We really don’t need Prince Edward Island. Tell me of another place in the world where they name a province after a “Prince”. Everyone names their places after kinds or queens like Louisiana, Kingston or Martin Luther. You have to think pretty small to name a province after a prince. That is why no one lives there. They are embarrassed. Having the Navy use this PEI place as a bombing site will definitely solve the problem with Puerto Rico. We should still keep Newfoundland though . They got a lot of fishing up their. They are unemployed at a rate of 30%. That’s because everyone is fishing and no one is working. We know how to exploit this situation. We would declare Newfoundland as a Federal Park and hire everyone on the island as guides for people that come up there to fish. Quebec can go. Newfoundland can stay. With Quebec’s population of 6,000,000 people we save $6,000,000,000,000 in the buy out. That’s not chump change you know. Except for the English speaking people still living in Quebec. Those 2 dozen may come on board with the deal provided they give up their right to speak French when they want to.
Most of the hockey players come from Canada. I am tired of this. Taking over Canada will allow us to say that most players come from United States. It’s quite simple. The good news is that their football stinks. We should take the worst team in the NFL and make them play every Canadian Football League team. This will teach the Canadians a lesson since the worst team in the NFL is better than any team in the CFL. Maybe they will stop playing that sissy CFL game and stick to Hockey!
Canada has no army to speak of. A few soldiers here and there. They have 5 F-18 fighter jets. We can have them when we buy Canada. I hope they work since the pilots don’t fly them when there are clouds in the sky. They have a navy made up of 3 ships. 2 of the ships are in dry dock all the time since they have problems with their engineers. They are still looking for the 3rd one. Canada is a big country you know. Once we finish the buy-out, we can help them find their lost ship.
I am tired of Canadian bacon. In Canada there is no such thing as Canadian bacon. It is just plain bacon. The only time a Canadian eats Canadian bacon is when they are in the United States. I think that the United States buys all of the Canadian bacon and that is why the Canadian’s don’t have it. When we buy Canada, we can give them back some bacon. After all, they should be able to eat their own bacon shouldn’t they?
Buying Canada at $100,000 per person would mean we would have to spend $3,000,000,000,000 to buy the country or $1335 per acre. Where can you buy land for $1335 per acre? No where in the United States. They even have some buildings on it. Cheap! Since there are more than 300,000,000 Americans living into he United States (illegal immigrants do not count) then the cost per person for this sale is: $10,000. To offset this purchase, all we have to do is partition Canada into 300,000,000 pieces and give it to each American. Since Canada has a total of 2,247,054,528 acres, that would mean that every American gets 7.4 acres of land! All this for $10,000! Where can you buy 7.4 acres for $10,000? This is some land sale.
I spoke to several of my Canadian friends. I told them that here is the deal: We give you $100,000 and you become American. So they started to negotiate with me. Here is the deal I struck:
- They keep their health care so long as they can afford to keep their health care. They have access to our hospitals so long as they can afford to pay our hospitals. They get to keep their Canadian Rats for testing.
- Prince Edward Island: they said we can bomb it. They live in Toronto. They hate potatoes.
- $100,000 is ok as long as it is in US dollars. They told me that their money is worthless. If we pay them in Canadian Dollars the deal is off. I said ok.
- CFL: They want to keep their boring football game. 3 downs, a bigger field. Ok. We have Montana. No excitement their either and no NFL franchise as well. I said let them keep their CFL league so long as they allow us to sell our beer there.
- Army. They also said that they can’t find their army. They think that the army is over on Bosnia. they promised to try to find the 2 men and bring them back home so that they can also get $100,000 each.
- Deer and Seals. We will allow them to hunt the deer and clobber the seals. They like that. It makes them feel macho.
- Miami Beach: They wanted to include a free trip to Miami Beach every year. I said forget it. They said …then we will continue to go to Cuba. I laughed. How can you compare Cuba to Miami Beach? The shopping here is better and we have more places to go to. Most Quebecers are here in Florida anyway during the winter. They arrive here by car and spend very little money. It’s free to them anyway, just not the rest of Canada.
- I promised that we will send speech therapists over there to help them get rid of their Ay habit. It’s enough already. They got to learn how to speak American just like the rest of us.
- They got to stop playing with the Queen. they need to grow up. The Queen is for babies.
- They need to become patriotic Americans and not sell out to the highest bidder. Here in America I told them people would not sell their citizenship not for a million dollars. Find me one person that would become a Canadian citizen for as cheap as $100,000 and sell out their country in the process.
Therefore Prime Minister Martin, please accept this offer in the name of the people of Canada. After all, all of the Canadians are sort of Americans anyway, with a different accent …eh?
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Here are some of your comments:
It’s people like you who made America what it is today. Bad economy, debts that will never go away except with pardon. The Florida I grew up in doesn’t feel like the Florida now. Thanks to you and your likings, the closed minded specie that believes for real that everything different from them is a sin. You are worse than the terrorists that attacked us, even more closed minded, arrogant and spiteful.
I’m sorry you call yourself American, I should buy your citizen from you for ONE penny, because people with your thinking do not deserve to be American. Go back to the land your ancestors came from, and repent your sins to them, they are crawling in their graves now, in shame of what they have mistakenly given to this world.
PS: Before you criticize languages, go after your own. There is no such thing as American language, it’s just a prostituted version of English.
Another refreshing Canadian reply…I call it American Envy.
To let you know that almost 35% of Canadians would gladly become US citizens without having to buy them out. I can imagine that no one wants to talk about it because it is an embarrassment to the country. 3.5 Million Quebec Canadians voted to get out of Canada and less than .1 percent of them was the balance between whether or not you would have had a country all together. But, I know that hits a raw nerve amongst Canadians now having to decide between a corrupt Liberal Prime Minister and an inept Conservative or NDP leader. That is only 1 at bat. At least here in the United States we have 3 at bats to get the government right as we vote for a Senate, a House of Representatives and a President! As far as languages go, we are still trying to figure out if the official language of Canada is English, French or Franglais. Where is the Canadian Identity now, Ay?
You post a website bashing Canada, and then you can’t take the heat when people respond with their comments. Just what did you expect? You seem highly emotional, defensive and angry, and you respond with one-liners and ignorant comments. Has “anger management” ever been suggested to you? You criticize the Canadians’ spelling (by the way, in England, Australia and Canada, humor is spelled humour), just for your information. To them, the American way of spelling is wrong. By the way, when you use the slang “hey”, it is not spelled hay. Hay is for horses.
Regarding your comment about the Unites States getting into the war “… As far as winning World War II, history has it that the Nazis were spanking the hell out of the British and Canadian forces and that’s why the marines were called in.” Wrong again. The U.S. sat around and did nothing while Hitler sent innocent people to death camps. During World War II, the United States turned away boat loads of Jews seeking asylum and made them turn around and go back to Europe. Nice, huh? The United States of America did absolutely nothing about stopping the atrocities that were taking place in Europe until the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. In fact, the Bush family was doing business with the Nazis. But you probably don’t believe that either, since you never heard it on the news.
Your comments “…There is another song you should look up. It’s called the Star Spangled Banner, and you should learn how to sing it…. ” Can you sing it? Perhaps you are one of the rare Americans who has actually learned all the words to the song, like you told Dave to do.
I noticed you had nothing bad to say about Neil, who posted his comments on your site. Have you asked Neil why he doesn’t move down to the United States if he hates Canada so much?
What makes you think Canadians are suffering? Your comment: “SO why not take your bare white Canadian ass and move back up north and suffer with all the rest.” What suffering? Canada has clean air, clean water, free medical care (by the way, some of the best doctors in the world work in Canadian hospitals); there is good food, a decent welfare system for the poor, downtrodden, sick, elderly, and disabled people, and an affordable pension system for senior citizens that ensures that no old person has to live in misery and discomfort. Can you say the same about the U.S.? Or are you so concerned about paying taxes that you’d rather have the whole country suffer so that you can put an extra 10% in your bank accoun? The tax rate is approximately 40% in Canada, not 61% (to correct your fellow conservative Neil, who seems to be very comfortable spewing mistruths). I ask you again, what suffering is taking place in Canada?
Here’s another one of your lines: “When ever the free world gets into trouble they let the Americans fix the problem and then they lecture us for doing so…” Okay, buddy, who freed the American hostages from Iran? It was Canada!
What’s up with this comment of yours: “…in the Land of Snow and Hezbollah” To the best of my knowledge, Hezbollahs are Lebanese, and the last time I checked, Canada was not overrun with Lebanese. You also will not encounter snow along the Canadian border in the middle of August, so put away your skis, and wait for winter. The place is just not covered with snow. But you’ve travelled all over Canada and you know that already, right? You are the expert, after all. – Karla Britfeld, Canada
I am not angry…but I can see that the truth I tell hurts..Ay? Listen, while I am sitting here enjoying the 80+ degree weather ( 28 or so Canadianus) you are up in the great white still shivering away. There is a reason why we fingerprint you guys when you come across the border. ‘Cause no one down here trusts you anymore. Your immigration policy is a joke, along with your ability to protect your borders from invasion. As far as the great Canadian Doctors you boost about, we do too. As a matter of fact all the smart and good ones have skipped your country and are down here earning 500 times more than what you guys up there pay them. If you need great medical care, then come down here and visit your doctors. We appreciate the education and training that the Canadians have given their medical students, paid for out of your pockets! Tax Rate? Who are you fooling with 40%? Which province are you living in…Newfoundland? How about the 15% GST…which stands for ‘Go South Tomorrow”? How much are you paying for gas up there? I think its the same per liter as we pay per gallon. So, spare me the bull-stuff and come down here…I will even raise our offer from 100,000 USD to 110,000 USD per citizen.
Hi, My name is Neil, I am Canadian. I love your website! I have lived in Canada all my life and it sucks. I do not understand why Canadians are so anti-american? I have been to the States several times and I have always found that the people there were friendly. I have actually not met one American I didn’t like. The thing that you have to understand about Canada is that it suffers from “small-man’s syndrome”. All one has to do is look at some of the things that Canada has done in the past to see what I am talking about. Case in point: The CN Tower in Toronto. This is the ultimate expression of an inferiority complex. The CN Tower is the tallest structure in the world and it has no purpose. It just sits there and people go to the top of it to look at the city, what the hell is that all about? The only reason why it was built was to “show-up” the US. But in the process Canada just made a fool of itself with such a stupid statement of “we are better than the US”(the big Nickel in Sudbury is another example of small-man’s syndrome (as are the giant skies in 100 mile house) but I will not get into that. Another example of how Canada felt inferior to the US was through the actions of Pierre Trudeau. Everyone in Canada thinks that this guy was the second coming of Christ. All that Trudeau would do was just say the opposite of what the States said, he made a career out of it in fact. Trudeau would not look at something in a rational way, be it trade or defence. He just wanted to show the world that he could pull the tail of the mighty american lion, then laugh about it. In the meantime instead of trying to figure out what would be the best plan to help both countries. The little fool Trudeau, drunk on his own arrogance, dug Canada into a huge hole of debt. A hole it may never get out of. The “Free Medical benefits” are another example of how far Canada is willing to destroy itself just to prove a point. The point being: we have something that the US does not. If you look at the medical program in Canada you will see that there are many faults to it. For one thing welfare people abuse it. People on welfare are constantly going to see the doctors, probably because nobody else gives them any attention. Because welfare people pay no tax; their expense is passed on to the people who do pay tax. The end result is that Canada has the highest taxes in the G8. It has been estimated that, due to compounding taxes, Canadians pay around 61% of their pay to the tax man. I like the way the Americans have their medical plan (on an individual basis). It is just like car insurance: if you get into a lot of accidents your premiums will go up. But if you are a good driver you get a better rate. Canada is a socialist country that is ruled by an elite group in Quebec. When you say that you want Canada, but without Quebec. It does not make sense because Canada is Quebec and Quebec is Canada. This is an evil empire that does not base a person’s worth on merit, it bases it on deception. If you want Canada don’t buy it, just go up to the French asshole running the country and say that you wouldnt take Canada even if it were free, and the moron, out of spite, will probably hand you the keys to Ottawa just to prove that he could do something that the Americans did not like!
Congratulations, you’re a typical American asshole. But I have to admit it’s true we think most Yanks are simple-minded, no-class, poorly educated (nice english/spelling pal) idiots, just like the rest of the civilized world does, but who cares what everyone else thinks, right? Or maybe you should, otherwise you and the rest of your country better get used to living in fear, not so tough anymore are you bigmouth, hope you get some white powder in the mail. And as hard as it might be for you to accept, the US did not invent freedom. You do have a monopoly on greed, pollution, violence, and depravity though, good for you, god bless America. Here’s a concept for you, the US military is the free world’s thug, keep up the good work suckers and keep footing the bill, the UN will keep you under control while we pay for centralized health care for our people instead. You’re right about one thing, soon we’ll have you chumps by the balls because of all the oil in Alberta so I expect we’ll be importing more of your shit in the future. I live and work down here right now and soon I’ll have my $100 000 US then I’m going home to spend it in Canada, thanks again sucker. The US is a sewer on so many levels, it’s disgusting here, you can keep it, I can’t wait to leave. People like you are the problem with your country, unfortunately there is no solution. P.S. – You got the balls to post this unedited Billy-Bob? – J.S
That’s what I love about Canada. You bitch and bitch about how arrogant we are but you never listen to yourself. Here you are in this great country of ours earning a living and bitching about how bad it is down here. Well if it is as bad as you say it is , then why the hell are you here in the first place and not back up in the Land of Snow and Hezbolah? Maybe it has something to do withthe good ol’ US dollars and the fact that yours is worth shit. The reason we can keep your ass free is becaused we are so strong and that our dollar is worth something instead of the toilet paper you get when you cash in a check at the Royal Bank. I am not sure about the sewer. Here it is 80 degrees and palm trees swaying in the breeze. Up in Canada it’s -40 with snow and everything is dead. SO why not take your bare white Canadian ass and move back up north and suffer with all the rest. Unless of course you want to become a US Citizen and take the money….No balls eh?
Ya should have listened to your good old ma and re-read this before sending it out there flapping into the wind. I mean, nice concept, but I’m confused? Sometimes it sounds as if you’re selling and other times it sounds as if you’re buying.
Anyway, it’s silly and sad even if it is supposed to be funny. JC (PM) never said he condoned the “hatred of Americans.” I think he was merely trying to UNDERSTAND why some people would want to kill Americans enough to believe it will get them a free ticket to matrydom. Hmm..I may want to figure that out. Not to say that JC or anyone for that matter would condone such stupid and senseless violence, but I think that there are many shades of grey in the world, and sometimes it’s a good idea to see your weakness as a country in order to really see your strengths. (see, buying? selling? who knows?)
There were some good funnies – the riff on the name thing, for instance and the bombing of PEI – (would you nuke the spuds? Or just roast them?) – for the most part even if you were drunk when you wrote the article. Just don’t make us have to bring the Canada Arm down on you.
And by the way, read your history – can you actually claim that the United States was solely responsible for winning the second world war? – they didn’t even get into it until the last dance was playing. – c.g.
Carol: Only the Canadian side of the border is up in arms with this article. It does bring a lot of issues , albeit nonsensical ones to light. But I am glad to see that you have a good handle on the humor (no ‘u’). As far as winning World War II, history has it that the Nazis were spanking the hell out of the British and Canadian forces and that’s why the marines were called in. Without the American armed forces Hitler would have marched into London and then into Ottawa. I am not sure which history books your are reading but without U.S. involvement most people would have been speaking either German or Japanese. Oh, I get it…..Our history books must be wrong...
You are not very nice. This article that you wrote stinks. It doesn’t even make any sense. I am a Canadian that would refuse the money. I can’t believe that you are serious about this. I love my country. You can take your offer and stick it up your behind! – F.M.
I hate to pee on your parade, but would you sell your citizenship for $110,000? How about $110,000 and a brand new american car? Now that’s my final serious offer, eh?
Oh Ya? We kicked your asses in the war of 1812! – L.T
Listen LT, Stop living in the past. According to our history books we kicked your asses. All of you Canadians have the boot marks to prove it! h.m.
Howard, You’re missing the point. There is the separatist issue. I favor the republic of Ontario. I’d even vote for you as Prez. – George K.
No thanks. I have enough already on my plate. h.m.
A friend sent me your URL. A fellow Canadian, he thought it was funny, as many of us would, but I am guessing you are getting a lot of hate mail from Canada, and it looks like you are actually asking for it, perhaps to post inflamitory responses on your website. Well, don’t take this as “hate mail”, it’s more of a “shaking my head in dissapointment” mail.
I know you are just kidding and I appreciate the humour, really I do, but this kind of thing strikes a nerve in me and I just have to reply.
We as a nation mourned with you after Sept 11. We lost some of our own in that horrible tragedy. On Sept 11, we let all North American airline traffic land in our country, potentially with terrorists on board, we took your people into our homes, and fed them gave them a place to sleep during the crisis. Our nation was terribly insulted when President Bush in his major speech afterward thanked countries from Mexico to England to Isreal, but not Canada.
The inability or unwillingness of your media to explain the world to your people leaves your country in a vacuum. U.S. citizens don’t understand why they were attacked so viciously, except for some false, and vaugue notion that evil people are jealous of your lifestyle. I am amazed to see entire panel discussions on your networks talk about the middle east situation, Iraq and 9/11 without even using the word “oil”. This lack of depth or context in the U.S. non-debate makes statements from abroad look strange, like the one from our Prime Minister.
If your government did not exploit and bomb the third world, then 9/11 would not have happened. Does that make it your fault? Of couse not. To infer that it does, is to not understand what is being said, and why.
I love you americans, and many of the good things your country has contibuted to the world, things like jazz, big budget movies, and such. Trouble is I, along with many of your own citizens are deeply distrustful of the motivations of your government. You guys have to stop invading other countries covertly, overtly, militarily, or politically. While we’re at it, here’s some other advice: Your country also must get with the program and sign up to the Kyoto environmental accord, the land mine treaty, and the world court, as most other developed nations have. Your country should also socialize your medical system, again like every other civilized country in the world. Your country should pay it’s dues, which are in arrears in the billions, to the UN.
Again, I know it is just a joke site, and it is funny, but like I said, it touched a nerve. Kind of like the feeling you might get from a Canadian song I know, funny, really funny song, but you guys might find it, well, a little insulting, normally I’d never mention it to an American, but in this case, what the heck, look it up on the net: Song: “the war of 1812” Band: “three dead trolls in a baggie”. -DAVE D.
Learn how to spell, ‘Humour” ? Ya, I know. Some of your best friends are ‘American’. It is amazing to see how the rest of the world lives in this ‘Let’s all be friends’ vacuum. When ever the free world gets into trouble they let the Americans fix the problem and then they lecture us for doing so. Without us, Canada might have been speaking Russian or German for that matter. Without us the world would be a dangerous place. Oh, I get it. The Canadian Armed Forces would protect the cause of Freedom. Eh? Yep! You can count on them. They are right behind us all the way, and always behind us and never in the front. What would have happened if the terrorist that did the 9/11 attack hoped aboard a plane in Montreal or Toronto? We wouldn’t be having this discussion. Canada would have already been part of the United States and it would have cost us absolutely nothing. Hay Dave, take the $100,000. There is another song you should look up. It’s called the Star Spangled Banner, and you should learn how to sing it…. h.m.