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It was 8:30 a.m. (in the morning). My brain was not working. This was quite obvious. I was watching CNN. There on the screen of my television set was this French accented woman with a lopsided face broadcasting from the Holiday Inn hotel in Hollywood Florida. Clonaid…yes, that is what I believed she called the company. Owned by the Rigilians, a group of people straight out of Star Trek. Captain Kirk didn’t like them. They looked too much like Mr. Spook. I think they had this cloaking device.. yes that’s it! The Cloaking Device! What where these people doing on my TV screen on CNN, from Hollywood Florida? Oh…I understand. They were bullshitting the public. Sort of fits in with the type of reporting that CNN does.

So what’s with the Rigelaliens? I think they believe that we came from other planets. The lady on the TV with the lopsided face proves it. She obviously was the first clone. Not the first human clone mind you, just the first alien clone. Nothing new there. I have been cloning myself for the last 10 years. As a matter of fact, I am claiming the right to the FIRST HUMAN CLONE IN CORAL SPRINGS award.

I was born on the planet Shmuckuluck. My people were promised the promised land and were lied to. Something about them always spilling coffee on themselves didn’t place to high with the secret council of Shmuckuluck. Most of our race was exterminated by themselves when we developed the 10 second grenade. Most Shmuckuluck only new how to count to 9. The only ones left were those that counted by 2’s to twelve. That’s when we got our name. We still can’t figure it out. So we decided to hop aboard the Regalian spacecraft and their cloaking device and come to Coral Springs. That happened in 1978 around the same time the city was founded. As a matter of fact, I think we found this city. It was known to many as being the city of Shmuckulucks. Ask anyone from Parkland.

Claude Vorilhon, also known as Rael, founder of the Raelian movement, testifies on Capitol Hill in 2001 at hearing on human cloning.

The City Mayor without his cloaking device on

Upon our arrival we hid ourselves. No sense in stirring up the public to worry about us. We Shmuckulucks were very sensitive. So we had to assimilate with the surrounding natives. We became city commissioners.

At the beginning it was terrible. Macdonald’s attacked us. Old Macdonald. He had a farm. We screamed….EiyiEyiaoh! It was our battle cry. They attacked us with Golden Arches, we won and we outlawed the Golden Arch from our city. It’s in the trivial pursuit book. As a matter of fact, we couldn’t have any arches on any signs, so we outlawed signs from the city. Shmuckulucks know how to handle these type of problems. However,  all of the other Shmuckulucks started getting hurt. With no signs around, know one knew where to go! They kept crashing into each other. But eventually they got use to it. Now we crash into each other only once in a while. If you see a car crash, scream out Shmuckuluck! If they turn around and give you the one finger salute, you know they are one of the Shmuckulucks.   They will really appreciate it. They will even come running after you. Especially when you give them the secret one finger salute back.  Get out of there quick.  Shmuckucks hate it when other people know who they are.

So we began to progress in the city government. We soon took over every department in the city except the Public Works. (Arigemma is not one of us although he is known to hang around with one or two). We influenced the growth of this city and the repercussions are even felt today. Permits. Everything needs a permit. Permits were our way of controlling the masses. Need to paint your fence? Permit. Need to use the washroom at City Hall? Permits.

Shmuckulucks even have their own website which they communicate with other Shmuckulucks. It’s at www.shmuckuluck.com. Click on to view.

We also put our secret formula of controlled substances into the water supply.  That is why none of us Shmuckulucks drink the city water. We drink Zephyrhills. It reminds us of our homelands. We used to have Hilled Zephyrs on our planet. Rain would run down the slopes gathering all the fertilizer and other droppings. We use to drink the water. IT was another reason why they used to call us Shmuckulucks.  Only Shmuckulucks drink Zephyrhills. Watch the city commission meetings. No city water is in front of the city commissioners. Only Zephyrhills bottles. Proof positive that there is something wrong with the water , and the city commissioners know that. They are Shmuckulucks.

The police and fire department are made up of human beings, not Shmuckulucks. You can tell. The Shmuckulucks want to reduce their numbers so that they can take over. There used to be 2 policeman to a car, and now there is only one. The Shmuckulucks wanted to reduce the amount of fire stations.  The Shmuckulucks keep themselves in office by passing laws extending their tenure, and finally, only the Shmuckulucks want to build a city center in the middle of a lot of Shmuckulucks. What a bunch of Shmuckulucks!

As a Shmuckuluck, I give you fair warning. CNN is run by the Rigeleans. ABC is run by the Klingons. The city of Coral Springs is run by a bunch of Shmuckulucks. We must end this cloning process. We must get real human beings into office that drink Coral Springs Water.

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